California

Goleta,California.

That is where it was--near the airport in Santa Barbara....the County Park at the Beach. There was a changing room, picnic tables, those road side grills. The day was sunny,warm, 70 degrees. "A" loved the water---didn't care how cold it was. His brother said, :I want to swim one more time with "A". One more time, with my brother."

And that is what he did.

The ashes were cold---powdery. They didn't seem like anything. Just some dust. His mother said--what if I find a tooth in here? In a logical manner, I replied, " dont worry, they crush everything before they give it to you. It is fine. "


How bizaar. What a strange thing for a mother to say. The mother spread the ashes--scattered them from the bag like bird seed in the water. It felt strange watching her. Something that a
mother should not be doing.

There is nothing left but grainy dust. I also want to be cremated. It seems clean.

I had carried the urn and the ashes across the country--kept them in my room. I said good night to A. every night before the"final resting day." I no longer say goodnight before I go to sleep. He is having more fun then me.

His dad also swam. I was not sure if it was because N. was swiming with his brother. Or because Dad felt he also should go into the ocean.

It was so cold--the water. I couldn't hardly stand there in the surf, with my pants rolled up. My toes were blue when I left the water.

We had a sandwich, some wine--a picnic at the beach. I said I had to go to the bathroom. Really, all I wanted to do was cry by myself. I just wanted relief from being the "strong one". There was a model, getting photographed by changing room. She laughed and smiled for the camera.

My tears wouldn't stop.

We put his ashes in the water. His mother said "now he can go wherever he wants" It was true. He was free.