Death Notice

November 6, 2008 at 4:48pm.

They arrived in suits. Dressed up---they looked like attorneys, but their suits were cheaper.

The police detectives told me at my office. It was just like an episode of Law and Order. They were each good-looking, young. They did not have any problem doing their job. They must have said the words over a hundred times.

“A” was dead. Killed himself. With a gun. In the woods.

I could not believe it. It was so unbelievable. Even a movie would have prepared the viewer. No one deserves to be so surprised. It was a Thursday afternoon I was getting ready to leave for the day. The last 15 minutes before five o‘clock. The last fifteen minutes where nothing really gets accomplished

I was planning to go to dinner with his brother at six.

It was a normal day until the police showed up.

Shocking. Horrifying.

I refused to sleep that night. All night I searched for pictures in the basement. Letters, memorabilia. Anything that should be accessible should people ask about him.

What was his favorite color? Where did he go to school? What sports did he play? What where his hobbies?

I was to memorize all of it. After eleven years together, you forget the details. You just know the person who holds you at night you love. He loves you and you love him.
The details are forgotten somehow. Now, they were going to ask. Everyone would want to know and I was going to be prepared.

For the first time in my life I would be the organized one. The one who knew where everything was. The one with lists. The one how could keep it together. The clean and neat one. I did not have a choice HE was dead and I was the one who was left ---alone.

It was going to be the best funeral ever. With flowers. Good food. Wine. A party. A celebration. Tears--yes---but mostly a big party to overfill the grandiose home we had together.

That was his word--grandiose. He loved this house.

Right now, it just feels empty.