The Q & A Session.

They keep asking the same question. Mostly from people who are concerned. Sometimes, I think they don’t know what to say. Maybe it is the second or third time they have seen me since the funeral.

How are you doing?

They want an answer this time. They really want me to say something. The days of saying “I will be ok.” are over. That was the line I came up with during the week A died. The lines and hugging would not stop. Everyone wanted to comfort me. They would say, sheepishly at first, “How are you doing?”

The first time I heard it I was not prepared. “How do you think I am doing?!”, I wanted to scream. That would have not been an appropriate response. Nor was it entirely fair. They were just concerned.

That is when I came up with the response, “I will be ok.”

It was comforting to hear myself say it. And, it made them feel better.
I could almost hear their thoughts: Whew! He will be ok. Good.

Now, when they ask, they want something better.
They have already seen this headline. They want something new, something fresh.

How are you?

Fuck. I still don’t know what to say.
I’m ok.
Things are getting better.
The nightmares don’t come everytime I fall asleep.
The mornings are really hard and I usually cry for an half an hour before getting out of bed.
I’m scared that for the first time in my life I don’t know what I want.
I’m anxious I can’t keep everything together.

Maybe I don’t know how I am doing…and that is why I can't answer when you ask.