But I am forever changed...

Why? Why do I feel like this?

My life was quiet, still. Calm.

It has been shaken up, like the vodka in a martini shaker. Shiny. Shaken. Harder. Shaken. Then splashed out into the glass. Here. Take it. Discarded.

The control was gone. I wish he would have asked me what he should have done. I would have used the logic, calmness in my mind. It certainly would not have been this. The answer was not a gun. It wasn’t even one of the options.

He didn’t make decisions very well. He usually looked to me for guidance, reassurance.

I still cannot understand how he could decide to shoot himself when he couldn’t decide what beer to drink at the bar, or what shirt to wear in the morning.

When I met him, my heart was full. I was happy. There was no space for him. It was supposed to be a fun night out. An occasional dinner. A friend with benefits.

His smile. Light touch. Playfulness. He made a special place in my heart. He forced himself into my heart and found some room for his presence. As the years passed, his space he made for himself got bigger and bigger. He began to consume me. After a decade together, my friend with benefits became my husband. The one I was supposed to grow old with. The one who I would love forever.

Now, there is just a hole. A big empty place in my heart. It is like a gashed wound that continues to bleed.

And now I am forever changed. Even though wounds eventually heal, scars remain.